Possible redundancy, possibly
By Logan | May 21, 2009
“In Ogden, another possible arson fire ignited”
Me: Doesn’t the word “arson” express both that there was a fire and that it was ignited?
DP: Yeah, it should read “Another possible arson fire ignited into flames, or not”
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Latest skinny column
By Logan | May 20, 2009
Lots of people at work liked this one. Hope you enjoy it.
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Nesting
By Braden | May 4, 2009
I recently overheard a conversation taking place between a couple of birds. After translating the exchange I learned much about certain birdular tendencies:
Mama Bird: I think we need a new nest.
Papa Bird: Nope.
M: Yeah, we’ve got some little ones on the way and this just won’t do.
P: What?! What’s wrong with this one? There’s plenty of room.
M: Well I want to have something nice that will last for all of the babies.
P: We migrate every year, what are you talking about.
M: JUST DO IT!!!
P: (cower)
…a little later…
M: Should I use this Gap twig or the Tweeters ‘r’ Us stick
P: Doesn’t matter.
M: It does to me!
P: They look the same.
M: What?! No, this one has a little pattern at the bottom.
P: That gets covered up by the saliva, no one will see it.
M: But I’ll know,… I’m using Gap.
P: Wonderful.
M: Ooh, I think I’m having a contraction.
P: You don’t have a uterus.
M: …
Topics: Awesome, Oh dear | 1 Comment »
Egypt didn’t learn anything from Moses
By Logan | April 30, 2009
Get this :
Egypt began slaughtering the roughly 300,000 pigs in the country Wednesday as a precautionary measure against the spread of swine flu even though no cases have been reported here yet, the Health Ministry said.
Anyone remember this in Exodus 1?
8 Now there arose up a new aking over Egypt, which knew not Joseph.
10 Come on, let us deal awisely with them; lest they multiply…
22 And Pharaoh charged all his people, saying, Every son that is aborn ye shall cast into the river, and every daughter ye shall save alive.
First it was the firstborn, now it’s pigs. So there’s probably some piggy mother out there putting her little piglet in a reed basket and sending him down the nile. Maybe the Pharaoh’s daughter will find him.
Wait, how did this strategy work out for Egypt last time? Not so good.
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Awards season
By Logan | April 2, 2009
The Daily Herald enters only a few contests each year, and this year I have entries in the Utah Press Association contest, the Associated Press regional contest, and the Utah chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists contest. First up, UPA. And I took third place in Best Feature Reporting, single story. The reason this third place is good is that for this contest we’re in the same category as the Deseret News and the Salt Lake Tribune, so they took first and second and I got third. Not bad when you consider they have many times the circulation, resources and people we do. The award was for this piece about Leonard Woodward, an amazing old guy from Provo who got married at age 96, then had to leave his wife in Canada because of immigration issues. I wrote a wedding story before that, and I wrote a reunion story after it, when his wife finally came home. Put the three together and it’s a pretty fun story.
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Stimulus plan
By Logan | March 26, 2009
Forget the grand catastrophe
Once known as our economy
No need to tremble, worry, fear
Or be at all concerned, my dear
For what is now a giant mess
Will soon be faint-remembered stress.
And what, you ask, will rescue us?
A single-handed stimulus!
A lonely retail ranger hero
Full of grit just like De Niro
Flush with credit cards and cash
And an itching, burning purchase rash.
He spends a fortune, sometimes more
Whenever he goes to the store.
He hasn’t noticed income waning
Thinks there’s always money raining
Answers every buying impulse
And gets them just like teens get pimples.
I’m sure you’ve met this guy before
Or maybe it’s a woman, sure.
But one thing’s certain: he or she
Assumes responsibility
And takes as his or her one mission
To spend us out of this recession.
Topics: Awesome, Funny | 1 Comment »
On a Friday afternoon
By Logan | March 20, 2009
It was a lively affair, that Friday afternoon, the way seminars and waiting rooms are. I had recently consumed an entire Guacamole Bacon Burger from Carl’s Jr. and chased that down with a little frozen yogurt, Pecan Praline flavor. With caramel.
My job is to read things, mostly, so I was reading. Then, in a way that can only be explained by the presence of a Guacamole Bacon Burger in my stomach, I began to stutter. While reading. Read-stuttering the same word, over and over again, not comprehending it. I could no longer lift my finger to click my mouse. And I began to float.
Sensing that an unwelcome — or, at least, inappropriate — nap was barging into my otherwise lively Friday afternoon, I did what I always do in such an emergency. I reached below my desk, and… CRASH!
“Whoa!” my co-worker screamed. “What was that?”
“Hmm?” I replied. “What was what?”
“That big crash! Sounded like cymbals. Somebody, here in this office, crashed some cymbals.”
“I didn’t hear anything.”
“What’s that under your desk?”
“What, these? Oh, those are my cymbals. But I wasn’t using them. It was probably somebody in composing using their cymbals.”
Topics: Funny | 2 Comments »
That crazy recession
By Logan | March 11, 2009
Here’s my latest Skinny column. Enjoy.
Topics: Awesome, Funny | No Comments »
How do you miss bulletholes?
By Logan | February 27, 2009
First, read this: Bullet holes found after Kansas City death ruled natural
Looked him over, picked him up, transported him to the funeral home, and not until AFTER he was emblamed do they notice two holes in his head. How do you not notice bullet holes?
“Hey, what’s these holes, eh Karl? There’s little tiny holes in this guy’s head.”
“No, Lyle, those is his ears, stupid.”
“I dunno, they don’t look so good.”
“They ain’t nothin’. Now quit checkin’ out the dead guy and help me get him into this here bag.”
Maybe the guy had the biggest old hairdo you ever seen? I love my Kansas news as much as the next man, but this is pretty over the top.
Topics: Funny | No Comments »
Is it really that big of a deal?
By Braden | February 20, 2009
I passed a dude coming into work while I was leaving today. I noticed he got his hair cut and here’s how the conversation went:
Me: Hey.
Dude: Hey.
Most efficient conversation I had today. But later I realized most women would be devastated by this conversation. (”He didn’t even notice! And he hates me!”) I understand it’s a little bit bigger of a deal for them to get a cut, but seriously, it’s just a matter of bodily upkeep. Here are some equivalents of “Hey, you got a haircut.”
“I see you trimmed your nails.”
“My your teeth sure look clean today!”
“Are those different clothes than you wore yesterday?”
“Oh, looks like you showered recently.”
Topics: Funny, Gripes | 2 Comments »
No love for the Mountain West
By Logan | February 16, 2009
So Harrisburg, PA, gets a stop, and so does Portland, ME. Also stops in the important hubs of Texarkana, TX, Greenville, SC, Hampton Roads, VA, and Eugene, OR.
But nothing in Denver, or Phoenix? No SLC or Vegas? No love for the Mountain West. And as long as we’re naming names, there’s no Omaha, Memphis or Nashville, either. Jerks.
Topics: Funny | No Comments »
The weather in Provo
By Logan | February 10, 2009
According to the Daily Herald Web site just now:
Topics: Funny | 2 Comments »
The whole truth - My 25 things
By Braden | February 8, 2009
Everyone in the world has a Facebook account. Babies born today are asked to type in a password to register for a new account just after the umbilical cord is cut (they can’t make it over to the keyboard otherwise). One fad that has been taking Facebook by storm is the “25 random things about me” chain letter in which one will embarrass one’s self digitally. Since all chain letters kill you if you don’t do them I must take my turn (I think I get twenty or so friends if I do it too).
1. My name is Braden Jay Molyneux. For those of you that don’t know, the “Jay” in my name stands for “Danger”.
2. Unlike most people born with nine fingers, I was born with ten.
3. I try to combine a lot of fads. I currently have a pet rock garden and a tamagachi chia pet. I also started the Dance-Dance Revolutionary War Reenactment.
4. I eat a steady diet of only green vegetables: broccoli, asparagus, bushes, and laffy taffy.
5. When I ate my first cow tongue I wondered if its tastebuds were tasting my tastebuds too.
6. The second time I ate cow tongue I took a larger portion.
7. Once when I was camping I refused to get out of the tent to go to the bathroom. As a result I no longer have to deal with those pesky things called kidneys.
8. I often forget what comes after the number 22.
9. Thrice have I used the word thrice in this note. Thrice.
10. When playing hide-and-seek I often forget which part I’m playing.
11. I have one large mole that slowly travels the length of my body every 4.9 years.
12. I have a hard time remembering the name of that one machine that dries hair.
13. Once, in fourth grade, I had a little bit of congestion. I tried to snort a little to clear my nose but somehow my mouth popped open at the same time. This also happened to be the same time I was making eye-contact with the substitute teacher.
14. Substitute teachers don’t think pig noises are very funny.
15. I can’t ever seem to find a skirt I look good in.
16. I usually win at bingo because I can place the chips faster than old people.
17. In my first snake-charming lesson I learned that I wasn’t very charismatic.
18. I wept when I learned that Hopscotch did involve hopping but was not actually supposed to involve Scotch at all.
19. My first conversation with the pope was cut short by my alarm clock.
aixelsyd yb nekat yletelpmoc ma i semitemoS .02
21. I had no idea where babies came from until I was nineteen. Now I just can’t figure out why storks even care.
22. I have an uncanny ability to predict the weather 14% of the time.
I’m drawing a blank here…
24. I currently hold the NCAA record for most bodies embalmed in one season.
25. When I was little my mother would take all the old broken crayons and melt them down together. She would pour the wax into a little tin which we could dip swiftly into water, making the wax freeze in a crazy shape. Most mornings I try to do my hair the same way.
Bring on the friends!!!
Topics: Funny | 6 Comments »
Solving the world’s problems, one seat flip at a time
By Logan | January 28, 2009
From an actual press release about an actual product actually made and sold in Orem.
In fact, if any household product were to win the Nobel Peace Prize it would be taBBet because it ends the battles in our bathrooms in the war between the sexes, potentially worldwide.
You’re kidding! How does it work?
The seat has a simple alteration. There is a little, built-in tab on the outside edge of the seat. This encourages our finger tips to lift and lower the seat because we can now easily avoid touching the readily-soiled (most unsanitary) top edge of the toilet bowl. And odds are, a taBBet SEat(TM) will be closed much more when not in use so children, pets, things and Chi won’t end up down in the bowl.
Fantastic! No more getting my Chi flushed down the pot. No more flushed pets, either. And I like the creative use of randomly placed capital letters. But here’s the real clincher for me. Those tabs have got to be SOOOO much cleaner than the rest of the toilet seat they’re connected to. Seriously, I’d never touch a toilet seat with my bare hands, and especially not right before I was going to wash them anyway. This little tab, it’s not toilet seat material. It’s a tab. So clean I could lick it.
The other thing I like is that it’s so much easier to lift the toilet seat with these tabs. That’s really why I never did it before — it had nothing to do with forgetting or lack of habit, it was just too difficult to move the thing. I was always fumbling around, trying to get a grip on it, and after a while I just gave up because there’s no easy way to handle a toilet seat. My “finger tips” just needed a little “encouragement,” and now they’ve got it. Thanks, taBBet SEat!
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »
Comments now working
By Logan | January 26, 2009
We apologize for the technical difficulties.
Topics: Funny | 1 Comment »